I have been told time and time again that I look very “standoffish.” That I intimidate people and therefore they avoid initiating conversation with me. I cannot tell you how many times I have had someone walk by and say “smile...it won't kill you...,” to which my face gives a reply all on its own- looking even more bitchy than usual. Side note, I have never understood why people tell me to “smile” when I am walking by myself.. why would I just be smiling at nothing? That would be creepy, no?
Anyway, my friends and family have also driven me crazy with the whole.. “you need to me warmer.” or, “you need to smile more often.” First of all, I don’t need to do anything… and second of all (and most importantly)… it drives me absolutely crazy when y’all say this to me! (shout out to my mom!!) I know who I am, and I would hope that the people around me know who I am as well, understanding that I would be nothing but kind if approached by anyone…no matter what my face looks like. I can’t help my demeanor… or maybe I can, but I choose not to. This is me. If I stood there smiling into space, or somehow rearranged my facial expressions to look more warm and accepting, it would be fake. And if my appearance throws you off so much so, that you avoid even saying “hi,” then shame on you.
Whenever someone (aka hi mom, again) asks me, “why didn’t you initiate conversation with so and so,” or, “why didn’t you put in the friendly effort.” I get furious, and rebuttal with the, “why is it MY job, why do I HAVE to be the one to say something…” I soon realized that what I was saying was sort of contradicting what I wanted from other people… that it is a TWO WAY street, and sometimes it is my responsibility to make the first move. So I learned to do so, and when I feel it was needed that I say something first to break the ice, I have no problem doing just that. But in certain circumstances, like events that cater towards me or my family, something that is emotional for me… than you should be initiating that conversation, therefore I will not. I will have zero cares to give if you blame it on, “well I didn’t say anything because she looked angry.” I don’t care how “stand offish” I come across, you know what I’ve been through, you know you should be there to support me, and if you are ignoring, or refusing to acknowledge my existence due to “fear” or assumed judgement, than maybe its good that you don’t ever say “hello.”
This may have come across harsh, but I needed to put an end to people commenting on my case of resting bitch face.