Once Ashley passed, I lost a piece of myself. I lost my safety net... That person I knew would hold me together when I felt like falling a part. The only person who would constantly reassure me that everything would be okay- no matter what the situation was. I'm sure many of you have felt that way about someone in your life, whether that person be a sibling/friend/parent... You get the picture- so what the hell happens when they are gone? I questioned this every single day after her death, this daunting realization that no one could ever take her place... "Shit, this sucks... But no one would understand, so I will just keep it bottled up."- this was basically my mindset. It's like trying to explain the amount of love you have for someone, how you absolutely adore and couldn't imagine life without them, but you have to because they are gone forever. It's a hard thing for people to relate to. Of course they will act like they understand, I mean that's the polite thing to do- but good gosh is it frustrating to see their less than understanding expression, or their look of complete discomfort from having no idea how to react... And bless their hearts for trying to even slightly grasp the sadness you are trying to convey to them... Because it is a taboo concept... And it's generally why I found myself avoiding the conversation as a whole, I couldn't be bothered trying to explain me and Ashley's relationship, they wouldn't get it.
But just in the past few weeks I've been talking to one of my dearest friends who was by my side during Ashley's death, but understandably so, didn't quite understand the impact her death had on me at that time. Unfortunately, he is now all to familiar with the feeling. He can now relate. Sure, it's nice to talk to someone close to me who gets it, but I'd so rather keep it bottled up then have someone I care so much about relate to such a horrific situation. His best friend turned brother passed away in a complete freak accident. I am so happy that I can give him something I never had, someone that knows what he is feeling- the pain, sadness, anger and confusion... But just as much as I've been able to slightly help him, he has in turn, helped me as well. He has finally given me the opportunity to speak about my relationship with Ashley, and the overwhelming amount of emotions that rushed through me once she died- he gets it. And I've never felt more liberated finally being able to release these thoughts I've kept hidden away for so long.
I wanted to post this entry for anyone who has dealt with some form of loss, and has since kept their emotions and thoughts tucked away in their own minds, never sharing them to anyone else in fear that they will not understand at all, and find the conversation awkward. To the people who were like me and kept saying, "what's the point?" I encourage you people to reach out to someone and talk about these feeling. Maybe you could find a meeting/group of people who have dealt with a similar situation... If so, join. Maybe you know someone who has dealt with something similar, but you keep telling yourself "I don't know them well enough, they will think I'm weird if I try and contact them." More than likely they will be relieved if you reach out, because they too have that desire to talk to someone. Once you can finally open yourself up and release these inner thoughts to someone who gets it in some way or another, you will finally be free from the imprisonment of your own mind.
Ps, I'll be sending a message to the winner of the giveaway tonight!