SLIDER

Anxiety.

Monday, June 22, 2015

        



         I haven't posted a real, nitty gritty, personal post in awhile. Since I have just started getting back into the swing of blogging, I have kept focused on the more fun loving, 'gushy' posts. I don't want to scare away any new followers with my sometimes brass, no limitations type of blog posts. 
        But, between the memorial of Ashley's death (June 14th was the 3rd memorial...) and fathers day, as many of you are aware my dad walked out on my family...(read about it here) my anxiety has been through the roof. 
        I have been on anxiety meds before, way back when I was a senior in high school, but the ones I took changed my personality. I felt slow, like the world was in fast forward motion around me and I was stuck in slow motion. I couldn't keep up. So I stopped taking them, and haven't taken any medication since. 
        I know that I probably should, that I should go talk to a therapist after everything I have been through, and that the right medication would probably help- but my stubborn ass can't seem to accept that. 
        I know I am strong, but for some reason I feel like my strength is only conveyed by my ability to say, "look, I have been through all of this and I don't even need help.." Which is actually pretty weak. 
       So, last night was the third anxiety attack (major, I have minor ones more often) within the last week... and I have decided enough is enough, I need someones guidance. I am ready to seek help. 
       I think I always feared the 'stigma' surrounding mental illness. I would be branded. People would speak of me in more saddened terms... instead of "oh MacKenzie!" it would be "aw, yeah, MacKenzie," with that look of despair. 
      Would I be a let down to those who thought I was so strong and happy through all of my hardship? What about the people who look up to me? How would they feel? But after much thought, and I am telling you I have gone over this for quite some time now, I realize all of these reasonings are for other people. "What would THEY think..." or "what would THEY say," at the end of the day, THEY don't have to deal with the anxiety, I do. 
      I thought I would give you a little insight on how my anxiety attacks make me feel... 
I want to jump out of my own skin. It is this terrible chill running over my body, leaving goosebumps from my head to my toes.  My mind is racing a mile minute as if it is trying to piece together something that has a timer on it, but nothing is matching up and that time is quickly running out. 
     I want to cry, and I try, but nothing comes out- I sit there with this unfortunate crying face, yet my eyes are completely dry. Then the shortness of breath hits me, I cannot for the life of my catch my breath. So, there I am uncomfortable from the chills, unable to contain my thoughts, barely able to take a deep breath. 
     Then my mind starts focusing, but it is focusing on every.single.thing I have ever done 'wrong.' And I mean every little thing from the way I laughed in a situation, to the things I have said. I think of all of the ways I could have changed this 'wrong' scenario, these scenarios consist of ones from the day before all the way back to when I was 14... "well what if I said this instead.." or "what if I didn't open my mouth..." 
     and then my mind goes on to think of the future... but never with a positive outlook, it formulates all of these potential, horrible outcomes. Its the endless "what ifs" 
And even if you are completely exhausted, there is no chance of going to bed. 
And here are those tears that were missing for awhile. 

So to those of you who do not have anxiety, please don't tell me "Just be happy! Just stop over thinking things.." because you have NO. IDEA.

      If you are facing anxiety as well, feel free to reach out to me. I would love to be someone you can talk to because I know it isn't easy. It is not easy for people to understand an illness that isn't visible or leaving you on deaths doorstep. 


That crazy thing called Love.

Monday, June 15, 2015

        I remember begging for 'love' or crying out for attention in my past relationships. I was always putting in the work "please just do this, please just say this." When you begin to feel alone... while in a relationship, it is time to get out.
         I understood all of this once I met Adam, he showed me how you SHOULD feel while dating someone. He gives me love freely, I never have to beg for attention, and he supports me on all of my crazy ideas. He looks at me like I am the best damn thing walking on this earth- and even though I know thats far from the truth- there is a few seconds I actually believe it when our eyes lock. I don't know the definition of love, I don't know why some relationships work while others shit the bed, I can't give you a lesson on how to find the 'perfect' one, all I know is I have found my 'one.' I am so thankful for Ashley because I don't doubt she had some way of bringing us together. 

         I feel like I fall in love with him over and over again. Sometimes its just by the way he kisses me, sometimes its just after a conversation we have had, or sometimes its after we ran around the apartment acting like complete children. On Wednesday I fell in love with him again:

  
My job is 20 minutes north of the city, I always get stuck in traffic on my way home... this time I didn't mind it. 

I arrived home to the sweetest set up ever- 
I love cheese... and Shrimp... and flowers...and him.
and Sure throw some Hermes in there and I won't be upset.
Then he added in some of his homemade Sangria. He told me he would have to work for most of the weekend so he made it for me and my friends to have while enjoying the pool. 
and I did just what he suggested :)
Sure, love isn't about 'things' or over the top events like Wednesday, its about the fact that he did it to make me happy- that my happiness means that much to him. I love him so much. 

And here is a funny picture to leave you off with- this is how I wake up every morning.....




Life and things I love.

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

          It's June… and it is not that warm... WHUT. Usually I would be annoyed with people who complained about how cold it was during winter (I was one of those people)… but then went off about how it was too hot once summer arrived. Well, we don't have to worry about those people because I am currently wearing my fall jacket. 
Okay, okay... on to the life updates: 
I moved into the brand new Ink Block apartments in the South End. It works great because Adam's work is walkable (yup, we moved in together!), and for me, it is right next to the highway, so the commute to my job is easy! 
Plus they are all about pups, they have a dog walking service, a puppy spa and even a tinkle room (yes, it is what you are thinking it is). So it is safe to say Sampson is in love. And the dog walkers make sure to send us pictures everyday after his walk! My face always lights up when I am at work and get a pic of my goofball... with his massive tongue always hanging out of his mouth. 
My one problem is the massive Whole Foods right below me… :/ I am going broke. 
And we have a pool that would be used way more if the New England weather would figure itself out. I did lay out on that one Saturday that was 85 degrees and it was fabulous. 

I am loving the new pad, and I will eventually post some pictures when I take them!
Here is a pic where you can kinda see some of the APT:
yes, Sampson and I love carrots. 

I went to the Boston Calling concert thanks to Margaret and Jack for giving Adam and I two VIP tickets. We also went to Emmets pub in Boston with Jack after the concert! It is weird to be walking down the street and have people snapping pictures of the guy you are with... I didn't think people actually did that, but they do. 
The concert was awesome too, and Tenacious D killed it! 


This most recent Saturday the 8th, I got to go to another Polo Match in Newport, RI. I hadn't gone to one since two years ago, and it was a lot of fun. I swear I had no idea what was going on, and couldn't tell you who won... 

We had Ashley's memorial service this past Sunday the 9th. It was emotional as usual, but it is always easier when you are surrounded by a bunch of great people. Her anniversary is actually on the 14th. 
After we went to Aquitaine with my family and had a great brunch. 


Then we went to my cousins rooftop and I took some kewllll pics, 
And just to end this update post on an amazing note- here are some more pics of Sampson
His ears don't know what they want. `



Four thangs

Thursday, May 28, 2015

I saw this on some other peoples blogs and I thought it would be fun to fill out! It's sort of like 'busy work' in school... or 'fluff.' Since I have been lacking with blog posts I wanted to get some material up and thought this would be the perfect wayyyyy... 
Four Names People Call Me Other Than My Real Name: There is quite a few because of my long name... who want's to actually say the whole thing?
  1. Mack
  2. Mackenz
  3. Max
  4. Kenz   
 Four Jobs I’ve Had:
  1. I literally worked at a daycare.. wut?
  2. Research Assistant
  3. Social Media Specialist
  4. Marketing Manager
Four Movies I’ve Watched More Than Once:
  1. 13 going on 30
  2. Django Unchained
  3. Inglorious Basterds
  4. Limitless
Four Books I’d Recommend:
  1. I
  2. Should
  3. Read
  4. More
Four Places I’d Rather Be Right Now:
  1. Caribbean 
  2. Somewhere in Europe
  3. Singapore
  4. Some adventure with A 
Four Things I Don’t Eat:
  1. Red meat
  2. Ice cream
  3. Cookies
  4. I don't like sweets- jus give me the BAG OF CHIPS!
Four Of My Favorite Foods:
  1. BREAD
  2. BREAD + BUTTER
  3. BREAD + OIL
  4. Carbs
Four TV shows I Watch:
  1. Bobs Burgers- A and I's Favvvvv. 
  2. Law and order SVU- I am completely caught up. 
  3. The Bachelorette
  4. Vampire Diaries, Revenge, Mindy Project- all either cancelled or lost a main character. 
Four Things I’m Looking Forward To This Year:
  1. Well, just moved in with A- so I am excited to see our life together :) 
  2. Summer adventures... to the cape, and other travels
  3. Seeing my pup grow! 
  4. So much pressure... IDK EVERYTHING!
Four things I’m always saying/thinking:
  1. "I remembaaaaa when chocolate was invented, ooooohh sweeet chocolate... I ALWAYS HATED IT"(spongebob reference you needs to know). 
  2. K byeeee.  
  3. I wanted to punch them. 
  4. you're sooooooooo rude. 

That makes me sound like a brat... 

SUPER energy/ Giveaway





 
Photo by Katie Murray




6:30 AM and the sound of my alarm abruptly takes me from dream land back to
the real world. “Really? Already?” I groan to myself as I sluggishly get up out of
my bed. I reach for the first item of clothing my eyes meet, hope that it matches,
and then attempt to make the rest of myself presentable. I look in the mirror at
the completed attempt; tilt my head side-ways “hm, good enough,” I say.
I drag myself to the kitchen, grab one of the many mugs from the cabinet; place it
under the Keurig while simultaneously pressing the start button...can’t waste
anytime when it comes to my life saver that is coffee. I stare at the slow dripping
stream that pours from the Keurig into my “not a morning person” mug, feeling
as if this whole scenario is some sort of metaphor towards my current state.
Before I can dive deeper into those thoughts, my coffee is ready, without a second
thought I chug it down in half the time it took for the machine to actually make it.
I am out the door.

I sit in traffic feeling exhausted as my heavy eyes struggle to stay open, a sea of
red consumes the lanes of the highway from the, what seems to be, permanently
lit up break lights. I crack open a Coke’ Zero hoping for a quick boost to get me
through this rush hour.

And there it is, my office…that I see as I drive right on by. Why you may ask? I
have to make a stop at the nearest Dunkin’s of course! “Black coffee, pleaseee” I
mumble through the speaker.

As I sat at my desk I was faced with a reality check, not only did I really have to
use the bathroom because of the amount of liquid I had already consumed by
9AM… but I was still ready to fall asleep. I became overwhelmingly frustrated; I
am a 24- year old female whose active lifestyle had been slowly dwindling due to
exhaustion. But WHY? I would go to bed as early as possible each night, do some
sort of exercise after work, eat relatively healthy- but nothing helped. Despite all
of my attempts, I woke up every morning feeling like I had been run over by a
truck, whishing to the time Gods for 5 more minutes. And look, I expect to feel
this way when I am older, a lot older… like the age when you start to notice the
formation of crows feet that not even the best makeup can conceal (so my lack of
energy at that time will be the least of my worries), but at 24 years old!?
Unacceptable.

This realization motivated me to make some changes, which is why
SUPERCANDY has become my holy-grail product. Instead of relying on 3 cups of
coffee to get, at most, a 10-minute boost, I started reaching for this power packed
snack. I haven’t completely given up coffee, but have limited myself to only once a
day… and even then, I don’t feel like its something I need. I no longer depend on
those things for a quick boost because SUPERCANDY gives me long lasting
energy, and it has ZERO caffeine (I swear it’s the work of a wizard). Plus, it has
all sorts of other benefits too (win-win). I can finally say I have put a stop to my
toxic relationship with caffeine. Those drinks were like bad boyfriends of the past,
gave me absolutely zero benefits and pretty much soaked up every ounce of
energy I had.

It’s an amazing change, really. I have always doubted foods that claim to give you
all sorts of functions (trust issues apparently?), but SUPERCANDY pretty much
brought truth to the whole ‘assuming makes an a…’ I think you get where I am
going with that. My mind was actually blown for lack of a better expression, not
only did this live up to all that it promotes functionality wise, but the taste… the
taste is what gets me. So.Damn.Good. Sour Gummy is just, just… I can’t even
form the right words that explain how good it tastes. I have a major sweet tooth,
and I love me some movie theater candy, but SUPERCANDY easily replaced
those other sweet snacks on the shelf. And it keeps me guiltless when I indulge!
And yes, I have become the girl who, when I go to grab something out of my
purse…. a bunch of 1 oz. packs of SUPERCANDY fall out along with it. It’s okay
though; the packaging is pretty sleek and badass so it actually makes me feel
pretty cool and ‘in’ when people see it in my bag.
I can express my love for this snack until I am blue in the face, I can shout from
the mountaintops about how many vitamins it is packed with, how delicious it
tastes, how it beats out all the other snacks on the market, but you really just
need to try it for yourself.

Maybe if you replace SUPERCANDY with an energy leach that is currently in
your life, you will see the changes that I did. For starters, I like to think I look
more presentable during the day since I now have this newfound energy in the
morning that makes me want to put effort into my appearance (Gosh I hope I do
or that is just sad). Or the fact that the slow pour of coffee from the Keruig is no
longer daunting as it takes its time dripping into my mug, and now I enjoy its
pace as it causes the coffee aroma to fill my apartment. Traffic only means one
thing… I get to jam out to old school 90s songs a littler longer. My workday no
longer revolves around my twenty trips to the bathroom, and I definitely don’t
miss my body jolting as I wake up in a panic because I fell asleep at my desk and
was faced with the terrifying dream of falling down twenty flights of stairs. And
who is happiest about this lifestyle change I have made? My taste buds, that’s
who.

Make the change like I did, you won’t regret it.

So I am giving away a variety pack (seen above) of SUPERCANDY to two random readers! Just leave a comment below!

Thanks!

Sad, but common encounters.

Thursday, May 14, 2015

This happened today, I did a post awhile back on my thoughts on feminism.

As I was walking to my car this morning in the South End, I was holding onto a bunch of things that couldn't fit in my bag...A pair of heels being one of those things since my Auntie Madeline's wake is later on tonight. I passed by two older men, one loudly said "I'd like to see you in just those heels" they both laughed. Of course I replied with a, "ha, well you never will.." And then they got mad and both started throwing all sorts of degrading names at me as I continued walking (literally every name under the sun) Moral of the story, woman aren't sexual objects, no one wants to hear your nasty thoughts, who raised you?... and these little things are reminders why feminism needs to be a topic of more discussion.

This is not okay, I shouldn't have to worry about hearing comments like this ever. Things need to change. 

Meet Adam!

Wednesday, May 13, 2015


       So lets talk about Adam. Hi Adam
Some of you may be curious as to how I met this guy that is always in my pictures, or who I am always mentioning- its sort of a funny story. When I finally moved all of my things into my apartment on state street in Boston, my mother and I went out to eat at a restaurant right down the street that was fairly new. Our waiter was incredibly friendly! I told him how I was moving right up the street and he asked me if I was looking for a job because they were on the lookout for a new hostess. My mom of course was like "YOU SHOULD DO IT." I said "why not" and took the application. I needed my resume, which I did not have so I had to wait to fill it out and drop it off. 
       The first month of me living on state street, my roommate was out of the country- so I was actually interested in getting this job. 
I went back in a few days later and dropped the resume off, and also sat down for a bite to eat. The GM came over to introduce himself, and told me to come in on Wednesday for an interview. I agreed, and that was that. 
       Wednesday came along, I got ready for the interview- and headed over to the restaurant. I asked for Adam upon arrival, two girls looked around awkwardly and told me to 'hold on.' So I did. Then they came back to inform me that Adam had an "emergency" and was out, that he would give me a call soon to reschedule. 
Okay… I thought it was unprofessional, but whatever shit happens (I know that all too well). 
A few days later I got a missed call from a number I didn't know, I ignored it like I usually do… and just listen to the voicemail if they leave one. This person did… It was Adam. He apologized for missing the interview and asked me to call him back, so I did... "I am so sorry, please come in tomorrow I promise I won't miss this interview unless I am struck by lightning…" (I am sure he said this differently I just know being struck by lightning was used). He seemed incredibly apologetic so I of course agreed. 
         The next day I got ready and headed over for the interview…. "Hi I am here to meet Adam for an interview…" this girl looked at me, "Okay he is not here yet, so you know what, here is the forms you have the job." I filled out the paperwork and she told me to come in on Tuesday. I wasn't too fond of Adam at this point. 
I started on that Tuesday- no one was there to train me. The start of this job was sort of disastrous, but I got through it. 
        A few weeks in, Adam and I had become somewhat friendly. He would ask me "how is it going, do you need any help?" when the other manager was a complete DOUCHE. Adam was the more professional one (which seems odd from the earlier part of the story, but I did later learn that he was dealing with a family emergency).
        One day he came and stood behind the hostess desk with me and asked about my 'story.' I told him a little bit of my life, and blogs purpose, and in turn he shared with me about how his mom has Kidney disease and has been on dialysis for quite awhile. A family came in, in the midst of our chat and I had to take them to their seat. It was interested because as I walked back from seating this family I noticed Adam was still there waiting to finish our talk, I thought it was sweet. 
       After that we became relatively talkative- but I never saw that going any further. I just thought he was a nice guy, and also he was my boss so I couldn't not talk to him ha. 
       Aside from being GM, he was also in charge of all the social media stuff for the restaurant, so after browsing my resume (hmmm, wonder why he was doing that?!) he asked me if I wanted to help with the social media since I had a lot of background with that type of stuff. I said of course. 
He asked me if I wanted to "meet up and talk about the social media, maybe over dinner…on me" hm, am I over thinking this or does this guy want to take me on a date?
We did go out, and it was fun. We had a lot to talk about, and these dinner dates became more and more frequent. He kissed me, and I certainly wasn't opposed to it. And from there our lives just mended. We always spoke. We spent all of our free time together, and we couldn't keep our hands off of each other while at work (which was a problem, and left to me leaving… but I will leave that for another post). 


I am so happy I met this man, he brings out the best possible side of me. I am the crazy and he is the sane, we balance each other out. He motivates me, he looks at me like I am the best possible thing in existence, I have never been looked at quite the way he looks at me. It gives me chills. He calls me beautiful at least 10 times a day, and the word love is used consistently within conversation. He would jump in front a bullet for me, I have no doubts, and I would do the same for him. Our friendship blossomed into this relationship that has changed my life. I had given up men entirely, I was okay with being single, but he came into my life and just flipped everything upside down. This unconditional love he shows me on a daily basis is so pure and true is unlike anything I have ever felt before. 

He also read my blog well before our relationship- so he knew all about me story, phewwww.